cleaning out the car

our car
it was once
that time we
drove to california

that year or two you
always drove
my license


that was a different car but
the consequences reached into this one typed onto the paper of an old abstract erased now from the new ones statute of
doesn’t work on memory

i hear my own heavy sobs
on the street that night
before thanksgiving
when the police officer asked me
if i wanted to die

if i was going to kill myself
and i lied

but then i called her
and she talked me down
like she always does

there’s that necklace that
looks like candy
from that place back home
probably not there anymore
the place i also bought that
yellow vintage dress

and im in the mountains
and it’s one of those nights that ran through til morning
four and a half pills and
needing my eyes uncrossed for me

theres still goldfish
in the crevasses
from the only thing i ate
in my cross country binge
leaving you
always leaving somewhere

i found an ancient half joint
in the bottom of the centre console
almost put it to my lips
wanting to blow the car away
like smoke

thought better of it
laughed at myself
kept one of the feathers
put the other in the tree outside
offered semaa to
the memory

i threw the joint into the garbage bag
along with those
memories from california
the hotel receipt from that
one weird night
in sacremento
that couple addicted to the claw machine
sliding coin after coin inside trying to win a glassy eyed overstuffed animal trying to grab a hold of something and us thinking it was so messed up while i went to the bathroom to do another line and a man threw dollar bills on the floor for the waitress to pick up

it was once our car

then I slowly untwist the beaded eagle from ka titi
think of my great auntie who sold me this car
think of my dad who helped me pay for it
think of my mom who gave me these beads
think of the rez that this car actually never came from because auntie was a bill c-35 indian

think of the many faces bodies spirits breaths sobs scars fingers toes dogs and of course miss magoo

it carried us all
got us from there to here

for that
my car
i thank you.


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