i.
forget the bad sex
i want to read the good
the genderless space
they made art with snakes
took a break from installing
to meet me
drink tea
them sweetly smiling
“can i kiss you?” I asked them
“yes”
and then we are
in that moment first
when your insides cross fingers
the inhale
connect
lips on collar bone
the length of them along you
move from couch to stand
tiptoes
“you’re so tall”
“do you want to go in here?”
“Yes.”
move to the bedroom
slow for seconds
sneak kisses between giggles
feeling deep sweet shy
check in again now
hand sweeps nearing that soft spot
where pants meet stomach
inhale deep soft kiss
hard exhale you think of snakes
of hands on the wheel
on you
shed clothing
“i really like you arms” flex
feel stronger here now
fall into laughter
in this bed
neither of us
will sleep in for long
slow quiet kiss now
“what do you want to do?” smile
consent
an
active
verb.
ii.
#makesexgreatthefirsttime
my first time was good.
when i say this to women
they are often shocked
we are taught instead
it should hurt
that it’s breaking
something inside you
not taught our pleasure
only shame
turn the lights off
normal is for him
did you get him off
wait through long pounding hours
or just a minutes
taught to hold our breath
stare at how many ceilings
to-do list in mind
my first time was good
the consensual first time
the one that i count
he smelled so damn good
had softest high thread count sheets
made crepes when we woke
yes
i stayed the night.
and isn’t that what we need?
radical balance
i wish that for you
a revolution of sex
for every human
softest sheets and crepes
or rose petals and candles
tender exploring
whatever you like
maybe punk rock and the floor
if both of you want
creating the world
together how you want it
co-write the story
communication
and
continuous
enthusiastic
consent.
iii.
#makesexgreatthefirsttime
the other first time
her name whispers on my tongue
taste sweet green apples
she walked in the room
in my memory it’s like
she was sent to me
a gift for my truth
that feels admitted right then
yep
i like women
when i say a gift
don’t get me wrong here, okay?
a gift of learning
a gift in our way
not consuming capital
i don’t want to own
she walked in the room
and it was clear to me then
my other first time
desire is so sweet
when you don’t seek to own her
only make her smile
we tangled ourselves
into the web we knew then
starbucks and late nights
dancing clean
sober
at the recovery club
driving in my car
turning it up loud
she had tattoos everywhere
and then she kissed me
we were on the floor
“sleeping” over at a friends
“watching” a movie
that other first time
the Godfather our soundtrack
hard film our soft light
remember the way
she melted into you there
you were so damn scared
and yet each small ask
“is this alright?” met with yes
you kissed each tattoo
taste sweet green apples
held each other giggling
became lovers then
while the godfather
played on
you learned about you
her
us
together
she taught many things
but the one that sticks with you
is how it all felt
that other first time
sweet
green apple
consent.
iv.
last night in the car
you checked in on my feelings
such care and concern
i thought about
toxicity in language
of that word “friendzone”
i know how men feel
guess what? i’ve been “rejected”
not just their problem
but in those moments
ive learned to take what is mine
hold my own feelings
honour yours truly
when you tell me what you need
listen and hear you
we can’t just seek yes
convincing ourselves worthy
only through your eyes
you
we decide
without really knowing
already “the one”
last night in the car
you checked in on my feelings
and i was honest
you here in my life
brings this magic
this grounding
there’s a new strength here
quiet flirtations
give me fields of butterflies
you are incredible
you teach me to see
the world through your careful lens
glimpses of beauty
you point out to me
things i rush past too quickly
you slow me right down
last night in the car
when i checked my own feelings
i told you the truth
everything we share
all the beauty you can give
you as you are here
you
are enough
and you deserve above all
your autonomy
so if i ask you
like i did
if there’s more here
and you say no
then my friend thank you
for what you give is enough
remove the pressure
im only here for
what you choose to give freely
grateful for friendzone
since it’s where we are
both comfortable
where we
mutually find
consent.
poems originally posted on Smokii Sumac’s Facebook page January 16-19, 2018.